Growing up, I was skinny. Always. I danced a lot and did musical theater through high school, and didn’t top 100lbs til the end of my Junior year. Then, things changed. Big time. In 2006, I went to college, still at a decent (albeit not great) weight. Then came a combination of crappy food in dining commons, depression, a boyfriend who ate at chipotle and was addicted to diet coke, beer, a breakup, a move to Boston, and the longest winter in 20 years.
I moved back to CA almost a year ago, and I’ve really been struggling with my weight — and more, my body image and self-confidence — ever since. I used to be one of those girls, when I’d complain about my size or body type, people would say “shut up, you’re so skinny!” Now, well, I try not to talk about it because I’m embarrassed, and shame does nasty things to my internal monologue. Whether or not other people see me as “fat,” I don’t know… but as many of you know, it’s what I’m telling myself that has the biggest and worst impact on my self-confidence and overall well-being.
Intellectually, I know how to lose weight: eat better, exercise, get out of my apartment. But in reality, doing it? So.damn.hard. Living alone, working from home… it’s an isolated existence. I try to get out and be social, but often feel like that either a) doesn’t happen or b) is centered around “grabbing brunch/lunch/dinner” with a friend- which is great, but man, food issues! Last week, I went to my Dr. for a followup exam after ~6 weeks of weight watchers and trying a new medicine to help jumpstart my metabolism. And you know what? I didn’t lose a single pound. I can’t begin to tell you how difficult that was to see. And the fact that he’s got me on a new short-term medication that’s used to “manage obesity” (according to the package insert)? I’m really trying hard to get my brain past that and focus instead on the fact that if it works for obese people, then it should work for me to start losing some weight too. I’m back tracking my food via Weight Watchers points again- which isn’t so bad except that I find myself underestimating point values and in effect sabotaging myself. And the other 2 challenges (making up the self-sabotage trifecta) are that I’m an incredibly picky eater when it comes to veggies and that I loathe working out alone. Re: the former? I have no idea where it came from, I think it’s a weird texture issue/OCD thing, perhaps. About the latter: I need encouragement and someone to be accountable to. I guess the presence of someone else there makes me feel like 1) I can do it, and 2) someone in the flesh is supporting me, not just my internet friends (though I don’t know what I’d do without you all… it’s just not the same as someone dragging you to the gym).
So, those are some pretty big hurdles to overcome, but I’m also wondering how much of this is really a mentality thing too. Convincing myself that I can do this, that it is possible for me to get out and exercise and not die, and that it can become a part of my lifestyle. Oh, and the biggies: that I’m worth it and that I deserve it. Those of you who’ve lost weight- what did it for you? What was the “sticking point” that helped you get started and continue on with the process? And anyone want to come to the gym with me? I joined LA fitness last week… workout buddy wanted!